spam.

no, really. why have i gotten dozens of porn-spam on my post prayers (and no other posts)? this is really bothering me.

it’s not about modesty, it’s about sunscreen.

So, a week ago I started walking my dog twice a day, once in the late morning to noonish time and once after I got off work, around 11:30 at night.

Yeah, I started from nothing and BAM, at least 4 miles a day. So far, it’s been an interesting experience. Thankfully, I have a fairly active job so I’m used to being on my feet, and I stay on my feet all day. (I have found that once I sit down it’s a bit hard to get back up)

The daytime walk/jog is the kicker for me. I like to run a little bit of it, a mile or so for now, but it’s also the hottest time of the day. I suppose theoretically I could get up earlier in the morning when it is cooler, but I know me and that’s never going to happen. So, I’m left with dealing with the heat.

I’m not quite sure what I’m doing with it right now. The first couple of days I went in pants, a long sleeved shirt and a bandana. Then I did a couple days in shorts and a tank top (one day with a bandana, once without) and then I went back to the first style.

I think, for now, I might prefer the pants/sleeves combo. But don’t take this the wrong way, it’s not really about the modesty. It’s about the sunscreen. I hate that shit. I had  some that was years and years and years old. So I threw it away and thought to myself, I’ll buy some of that new spray on kind. It sounds pretty good. And so I did. Let me tell you, in theory that stuff should rock socks. But I hate it.

It says that it is non-greasy, but when I wear it, I feel like I’m smearing baby oil on my body. It says “no rub” but when I spray, it either is really uneven or it gets all over my bathroom. And then my floor is greasy and slick and icky. And then, if you want to put it on your face, you have to spray it in your hand and then rub in on your face. So, it fails on both the “no rub” and the “non-greasy” claims. NOT A FAN.

Though I do have to say that it was sweat- proof, and didn’t drip in my eyes. However, once that stuff is on your hands it’s staying there, so even as I brushed the sweat off of me, it went from my hand to my eye. Which, okay. might sound gross, (because it is a little) but it’s also true.

Let me also say that since it is sweatproof, it’s just a little bit bathing proof as well. And then it’s all in your tub/shower making it a hazard because, as I’ve said before, the ‘nongreasy’ line is a LIE. And it never comes off me or the tub when it’s all over your body, like you need to wear it when you’re wearing shorts & a tank top. Maybe if I had a shower I could live with it, but in my current situation, I don’t really want to.

Which leads me to wearing more clothes to replace the sunscreen. It’s been cooler the past couple days and so the clothes aren’t as bad as I thought they would be. I also bought a new face sunscreen to try tomorrow that’s the more traditional cream/non-spray type.

As a side note: at night I wear pants with a short sleeved shirt because a) no one is going to see me b) i don’t have to wear sunscreen to protect me from the moon c) it’s cooler, even though the bugs can get me.

I’m not saying this is a definitive “I will never wear shorts again!” because I’ve been doing this for a week. But after a week, this is where I stand.

nativity of st. john the baptist.

Last semester, towards the end of the semester, one of my psychology classmates and I were talking before class. He asked me, “From all your travels, what truth have you learned?” And I was floored. I don’t think of what truth I have learned. I think about those trips in finding, learning and experiencing beauty, not truth. And definitely not Truth, as I understood he meant it.

I’m not sure if that’s just the way my mind/body/soul work or what, but the thought of “Truth” in my travels never ever occured to me.

So, I was dumfounded last Wednesday, as I sat in church for the feast of the Nativity of St. John the Baptist and saw, once again, how amazingly beautiful our church is and my thoughts were on Truth. Yes, our church is beautiful, but what truth is there in here? What truth is there in our liturgy? What truth is there in our tradition? What truth is there in our Bible?

I just don’t know.

I am very frustrated, with a lot of things. Don’t get me wrong, I still intend to continue worshipping in my church. I think there is great truth there, along with its great beauty. It’s just that I can’t see it right now.

a running followup

So, I wrote earlier about going running. And then I didn’t say much. Because I didn’t do much. And then I was talking to a friend about my dog over the weekend. Apparently some of his  whinyness might be due to not getting as much exercise as he needs. So I resolved to walk him daily, or rather, twice a day. Which I put off, until on Monday when he finally chewed through the tie out he was on.

That night, after I got back from work we went for a walk. Yeah, I walk my dog at midnight. Because that’s how much I love him. Even as he is pulling my arm off. And the next day we went in the morning. I wore pants and a long sleeved shirt and a walmart bandana. And the next day as well. It was warm, but could have been worse.

Today, though, I decided to try a “run while dog walking” and, also because of some other things that I’ve been dealing with I decided to shorts it up. So I went out in shorts and a sleeveless t and no scarf. And we went for a jog/walk/stand still with my dog.

It felt weird. It felt nice. It was a little betraying, and a little freeing, and a little WTF?

And then I took a bath, put on my skirt/shirt/light sweater/scarf and went to work for the in-service (I have the night off)

Hypocritical? probably.
Do I really care? A little bit.
Am I really that devoted to modesty? No.
But do I love headcovering? Somehow, yes.

And now, what do I do?
Fuck, I don’t know.

on running

Damn, I want to go for a run. Okay, so go for a run. Easy enough, right? Well, yeah. But no. Aside from the fact that I am so incredibly lazy and my current daily ritual (and I’m a bit OCD on daily rituals) does not include a run, along with the fact that I just hurt all the time (I’m too young to hurt all the time) and I’m tired all the time (I’m too young to be tired all the time), aside from those things, I think one of the major kickers is this notion I have that I must translate my current mode of modest dress into running. And I’m just not sure how to do that. But I do feel like I should try because I generally just feel so much better when I run.

So, the question is, what exactly do I wear?

What did I wear last year when I went running? Shorts, tank top, sunscreen, ect. But then last year I also didn’t cover my head. I wore jeans and maybe shorts and t-shirts. This year I do cover my head. On top of that I wear mostly skirts and shirts (t-shirt or button) and sweaters. At work, I wear scrubs, a long sleeved shirt under the top and a ridiculously ‘i’m a crazy protestant’ white kerchief. (I swing back and forth between loving and hating that thing. Thankfully most time is spend in the “eh, whatever/gets the job done” mindset.)

Obviously I can’t run in my swishy skirts. I tend to trip over those when I’m just plain walking (a hazard of being short) plus they can be hot. I have some shorter skirts but they aren’t really running style. Besides, I can’t imagine running in a skirt right now. I have running pants but it’s hot, plus I bought those several years ago and now they are ill fitting.

And what of tops? Long sleeved shirts?

Listen. I’m not that dedicated to modesty. I’m all about hydration and not getting heat stroke.

So, I’m thinking of going running. In shorts. and a tank top. and sunblock. maybe a kerchief. maybe not. but probably. As ridiculous as (rather short) shorts and a tank top and a kerchief/bandana may be. So be it.

internet conversations 5

isaac: it’s been a pretty bad day.
dana: “when something good happens we say masha’allah, something bad happens que sera sera” ~k’naan
isaac: but what if you don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing?
dana: mash’ara
dana: que sallah
isaac: que sera allah

‘que sera allah’ might just be the most perfect phrase ever.

i just realized…

So, I just realized

(hey, shut up. it’s four am and i got off a 12 hr shift… uh. an hour ago. whatev)

anyway, I just realized

[and yeah, i realize also that my thinking, reasoning, judgment (and typing) maybe a bit off]

what I’m trying to say is that I just realized that with RSS & google reader, i really have no limit to the number of blogs I read. Previously, there was at least a functional limit to this. I have dialup for now, and trying to load too many pages at once, especially on my old as dirt computer would slow everything down and take FOREVER to load. So, yeah, functional limits.

But one thing I miss is my folders. I’m pretty sure there’s a way to do this, but I had all my “daily” blogs, people I knew I wanted to check daily separate out from the Anglican/Episcopal blogs and then another folder for nursing.

So, um. What I’m saying is, I’m not thrilled with this RSS thing, but … uh… I might be sucked in. (unlimited!)

and uh. It’s late and I’m kinda not seeing straight anymore. <3

very late morning

So, it’s about one pm, which means i need to get a move on. I have a very specific (though not very productive) schedule for my mornings. And yes, I realize it’s one, which would not technically be morning, but it is when I get morning prayer in, and it’s before I go to work and thus, it is morning to me.

I’ve been playing with Google Reader today. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. Will give it some more time.  Earlier, I was scrolling through the feed and there were a lot of new articles. One of them gave me pause for a minute, until I realized that no, that headline was not from BBC News, it was from Overheard in New York.  Good job, distinguishing “news” from “not news” dana.

Also: not excited about going to work. Storms = not cool at a nursing home.

prayers

Why can’t I find a good Episcopalian/Anglican prayer for those with mental illness? Why is our BCP silent on this issue? I mean, there are some prayers that point themselves in that direction, but none outright about it, at least not that I can find. A quick google search leaves me pretty much empty handed as well. This is an oversight that needs to be remedied, and how. Either that or someone needs to point me to it.

currently dealing with:

*the death of a suffering dying resident
*death in general
*loneliness
*self pity
*the thought my car won’t make it through the summer
*nursing school apps.
*nursing doubts
*jesus doubts
*hormones.

so, basically i’m sad. very sad. and stressed. And apparently I’ve gone from quoting lyrics to lists. well, so be it.