a welcome reprieve.

So mostly my weekends are spent at home: chilling, sleeping, doing housework or work-work. I had last weekend off and thought I was going to spend it in my usual fashion, lounging around the house. And then a couple in my church invited the twenty-somethings (all four of us) our to their lake house. And then my friend, who is a postulant to the priesthood invited me to go with her & her husband to church with them on Sunday because she was guest preaching at another church.

I hesitated, because my lounging around the house weekends are kinda nice. Plus, I’m not a giant fan of change. But I decided to go for it because it had been a really crappy week and I thought the diversion could be nice. Left alone, I’m much too vulnerable to wallowing. So I spent the weekend up to my neck in people and, aside from the fact that I’m incredibly self-conscious and way over analyze things I say, post occurrence, it was really nice.

We went out to the lake. I’ve been on float trips in the states and I went to Bahir Dar, which is on Lake Tana in Ethiopia, but I’ve never done a State-side lake trip. It was lovely, despite the way the invitations went out (sending emails to twenty-somethings’ parents? way to treat us like tweens!) and despite my allergies, which really weren’t that bad out there. Went out on the pontoon and the water sport thing. Harold made some comment about making sure my scarf wouldn’t fall off. I laughed and said I brought a spare. (Yeah, I can’t manage to bring clothes if I got wet in the lake, but I had a spare scarf. For the record, I almost always have a spare scarf) Had some nice conversations and a steak the size of my face, home grilled to perfection, along with amazing side dishes.

That night, I went to my friends because they were planning on leaving at 6 am to make it in time for the 8 am service. I never sleep well the first night I’m somewhere new. On top of that, they have five cats and the windows open, so my allergies were killing me. Zyrtec is great for the cats, but it doesn’t touch my ragweed allergies. So I got about four hours, on top of the five from the night before. (I’m an 8-10 hours of sleep per night type person. Sorry for all the parenthetical asides.) I am way sleep deprived. We ride up to the church and sit through Morning Prayer with Eucharist (which was a lovely service, btw) twice. Things were very different from my own parish, but it was a nice change and after the 10 am service, I got to talk with a stranger who graduated from my alma mater. It was nice. She seemed to be a people-person and kept the conversation going. We also knew a lot of the same people, professors, because (A. it’s a small campus but also because B.) we both went to the same (only) Episcopal church. Again, it was lovely.

I got home, took a 3 hour nap and still had no problems with my normal bed time. I could have used an alone weekend on top of that one, but if I had to choose, I’m happy with the decisions I made.

conversion speeches

We have a lady at work who, apparently consistently, tries to convert people to her form of Christianity (or as some might say cult).  I didn’t realize this until a couple of weeks ago. I walked in to the med room and there were a couple of med techs and nurses there. One mentioned that the lady had a pill she needed and the other med techs and day shift nurse all said something like “Don’t make me take it! Every time I go in there, she tries to convert me.”

I shrugged my shoulders and took it, because I have no idea what they are talking about. This lady, while strange, has never overtly tried to convert me. Actually, I don’t think she’s ever told me what her religion is. Though, I know because gossip reigns supreme at work. Also, she keeps religious pamphlets out & whatnot.

Her attempts to convert people were confirmed today when I went into her room and tried to give her her meds. She must have been so intent in her conversation with the CNA that she didn’t even notice me.  I’m standing there, trying to hand her her meds, and she’s asking the CNA about demons & ghosts. When the CNA leaves, she tries to tell me they were talking about something completely different, the news. Uh-huh lady.

Though it did get me thinking back to when I first started headcovering.  She (along with several other residents and family members) asked me what my religion was. So, I told them Christianity. Because that’s what religion I am. Of course, that’s pretty insufficient for most people because as one co-worker said “Hey, I’m Christian, but I don’t wear that.” And then they ask what denomination. So, I say “Episcopalian.”  Which leads to blank stares. Because really, who knows what an Episcopalian is? Which leads to (I swear the leading to will end) my own personal conundrum. Do I just let them sit there and think that there is a whole denomination they haven’t heard of that wears headcoverings or do I attempt to explain that I’m the only woman in my congregation that covers? That I might possibly be the only woman in my Diocese? I still don’t have a good (read, consistent) answer for that.

Back to the lady. She asks me about the headcovering. I stumble through the awkward conversation that follows. She generally leaves me alone. Until a month or so later. I go in to her room to take her some meds. She asks me, and I quote (or what I can remember of a quote, nearly a year later) “So, is that *pointing to head* scarf thing working out for you?”

I swear to God almighty the words were “Is that working out for you?”  At this point, I was stressed to the max with work and class, general sleep deprivation and fast food living and I was pretty much pissed with this question. I barely know you, and you’re wondering if my scarf & my religious convictions are working out for me? It’s probably a good thing I left with a quick & curt “Yes.” Otherwise I might be getting my own conversion speeches.

sunday musing

So, Sunday morning I woke up and decided to make some bacon. Didn’t think much of it at the time, but as I was eating, I thought

Hey, the sun is up.
It’s Ramadan.
And I’m eating bacon.
Oh well, fuck it.
You can’t fast on a feast day!

And I wonder if this may ever be an actual conundrum to someone like the Episcopal dual-faith priest in Oregon, or where ever she is. I also wonder if she wears hijab while officiating at mass. You know, before she got kicked.

first tube change on the bike.

So, last week sometime the bike got a flat tire.

I decided this would be my very own adventure, seeing as I’ve never changed a bike tube before. I went to Walmart and bought a couple inner tubes & a changing kit, which consisted of a cheap wrench and two of those things to take the tire off the wheel.

I go home and i’m trying to use the cheap wrench to take the nuts off, that are holding the wheel onto the frame. It’s just not working. I go looking for a bigger wrench and there’s none at the house. Of course now it’s dark and I don’t want to go to the barn. So I wait a while.

Until this morning. (um, I’m using the term “morning” loosely here, I mean early afternoon) I go to check the mail and figure while I’m out there, I’ll go over to the barn. I hike out but once there, I realize it’s locked. Which I’m sure is a good thing, and then I realize that I might end up with seriously frustrated brothers if I just take the wrench from out there to the house for the bike.

So, I go to Journagans to buy one. Damn, those things are expensive! Anyway, I buy my wrench and finally get home to work on it. I successfully get the wheel off. Once I had a non-shitty wrench, the nuts were no problem at all. I take the inner tube, wheel & tire to the garage and halfheartedly attempt to find where the old tube was leaking. No such luck. I start filling the new tube. I get it into the tire and on the wheel and inflate to the correct pressure.

I get it back on the bike, but as I’m doing so, I’m wondering if that’s a bulge “teh interwebs” warned me about. *shrug* I dunno. So, now it’s time for the test ride. I get out and down the street. I decide to do the half mile out/half mile back route and as I’m turning into the driveway I notice a sound like something’s rubbing against the tire.

Yeah, so that must be one of those “bulges” I take the bike inside and try to take the wheel off. Why the hell won’t this tire come off? It. Just. Won’t. Come. KA-BLAOW!. off…

And even after the tube burst, the damn wheel won’t come off. I finally finangle the wheel from the chain. I think I’ll work on re-replacing the tube tomorrow…

Victory is so close

Okay, so I previously mentioned the Soap/Shampoo/Conditioner saga. In a sentence summary: I vowed not to buy more of any of any one category until all in my house was used up. That vow was made mid-December 2007. In April 2009, a mere 16 months later, I declared victory over the shampoo. I finished the last of it, and bought new. Today, August 8, 2009 I declare victory over the conditioner. (That horse conditioner doesn’t count, and may be going into the trash soon)  Tomorrow, to try out the new conditioner I bought. The only one left is soap. I have at least another bar and a bottle left. Tremble soap, you’re going down!

known.

Yesterday was my day off and I took the new computer back to McDonalds, which I’ve been doing once a week or so to download podcasts & watch videos online mostly. I’ve only been there a few times, I thought. Maybe 3. But I placed my order and before I had the chance to say it, the cashier was all “and a WiFi, right?”  So, I’m known at my local McDonalds.

So, I bought a new computer. It was a quasi-impulse buy. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about buying one for a while. Victor, my last computer, died in January and I’ve wanted a new once since then. Before, even. And I decided that since I’m not taking classes next fall, nor am I fixing my car, I would go ahead and get it. I got a MacBook Pro. SO PRETTY

Unfortunately, it doesn’t have a modem. Which makes sense, given that most people who would buy this computer probably already have high speed internet & the like. But I don’t. So if I want to use the internet on it, I have to go to McDonald’s because that’s the only place I know of that has WiFi available.

Which is what I’m doing now. Except I have to go to the bathroom and I’m afraid that if I close the computer, I’ll have to go get another WiFi coupon, which requires buying something. Though honestly, I’d be okay with an ice cream.

mmmm bathroom break & still being internet connected. Now, I want an ice cream anyway.

What I’m saying is, yay fiscal irresponsibility, but, as a friend said, “You can’t take a car to the Midde East, can you?” Yay adults who, at the least, pretend to get it.

lacrimosa

we keep on burying our dead
we keep on planting their bones in the ground
but they won’t grow
the sun doesn’t help
and all we’ve got
is a giant crop
of names & dates
~ Regina Spektor Lacrimosa

We’ve had several deaths recently. One that was unexpected and quick. I wasn’t there that night. Came in the next day and was looking at the update sheet at the nurses station. “Passed”

And then, there are those others. Expected deaths. Deaths where the entire staff is on edge, checking, re-checking. Shift change conversation,

“Is she still here?”
“Yeah.”
“why . . .?”

Dear Lord, Why?

And then after that,
how, Lord, how are we supposed
to deal with this?
All this death
It’s unnatural

The pain
we see in the final moments

The struggling for air.
Good Lord,
the struggling for air!

the eyes.
half-open,
wanting to be cosed
glazed eyes.

the mouth.
god!
god see that mouth
do you know
the death mouth.

that toothless
lipless
hole.
deep dark hole.

oxygen in the nose
but they don’t use it.
gulps of air.
somehow brought in
through that gaping
death mouth.

into the lungs
that keep going
long after they should have stopped

People say that the dying hang on because of ‘unfinished business. I don’t buy that shit.  It’s just torture. And these are not “extraordinary measures” people. These are DNR people. Holding on, even though they are physically unable to swallow anything.

Why.
and what we,
left here,
do?

what do we do now?
what do we do in the mean time?
and i don’t mean
for that person.
obviously
make her as
comfortable as possible

but how
how do we deal?
how are we supposed to
process death?
over lunch.
over a cigarette.
if that.

and then
back to work:
wiping butts
& popping pills.
shoving food
down the living.

cars suck, yo.

So, I have a car, its name is PANTS! (dumb story, which is the only endearing thing about the car) PANTS! has given me lots and lots of shit during the time that I’ve owned it, but in the past 18 months since I’ve been back in the states, it’s been real hell.  Towed thrice (in six months), to the mechanic (who happens to be my uncle, so glad I trust him!) five times. Most recently two simplish repairs. I got it back the week after the 4th, took it to Springfield and enrolled in my classes for the fall semster and got Zeke & I signed up for dog training at PetSmart in the next week. It worked like a charm. Then Sunday, I wanted to take it to church. I got about three miles from home when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to make it because the shifting & accellerating were just wrong.

Shit. I just got it back, and now another problem. So I decided, Fuck it. I am not fixing this car. I refuse.

So, I have my mother’s Geo, I call it the Little Blue Death Bucket (or LBDB for short). Between it & PANTS! I’ve maintained vehicular transportation. But the LBDB is getting old. And I’ve been warned that its lifespan is coming to an end, sometime, and that long distances & highway driving will bring that end faster.

My uncle, the mechanic, has been telling me for a while that I need to get a new car. (new, new to me, whatever — something more reliable) but I can think of a million things I’d rather buy than a car.

So, I’m prepping for a carless time. I’ve borrowed a friend’s bike that I’ve ridden a couple of times. I’m planning out routes to get me to work, away from cars. I’m thinking of people in my church that I can get rides from if that day comes.

I’m planning on riding to work, at least a few times a week to get used to it and to attempt to preserve car life.

I know I’m crazy. I know I should probably just buy a car. But I just don’t want to. It’s not about the environment. It is, in part, due to money. Car, registration, oil changes, gas, insurance, and other things I’m forgetting. It’s also the dependancy on other people, mainly mechanics. I want to be able to fix whatever might be wrong. I want my machinery to be simple enough for me to at least be able to see what is wrong. I want to depend on myself for my own movement.

At least in theory. I might change my mind when it’s no longer theoretical. Which hopefully will remain in the future.

spam.

no, really. why have i gotten dozens of porn-spam on my post prayers (and no other posts)? this is really bothering me.