So, about four months ago I started covering and at that time I said that I’d reevaluate at Christmas and see if this was something that I wanted to continue to do or if it was not really for me.
And… now it’s (nearly) Christmas and I’m really torn. I really can’t say whether or not it’s been helpful in any religious way. In the beginning I probably prayed more, but now that enthusiasm has gone. In the beginning, I noticed that certain things started standing out more than they would have before. (especially when married couples showed up on the daytime talk shows and how over-lording the women were compared to their subservient husbands) But now, the newness has gone. I may still notice things but I don’t notice that I’m noticing them. How dumb does that sound?
This headcovering thing has become part of me. Even now, as I am seriously considering stopping covering, I’m looking for hijab underscarves. (I’ve been pining for a lacy one, instead of these uncomfortably tight headbands)
While headcovering has become part of me, I mostly just want to stop looking like a freak. This stems mostly from work, where I wear white triangle bandana things for the most part and look like I’m a KrAzEe protestant. Okay, so I might be some kind of crazy and I am protestant, but the combination is generally not how I think of myself. I am not a Bible literalist. I don’t believe in a seven day creation and I’m not a giant fan of Paul. I find myself in direct opposition to most headcovering protestants. I’m not sure where that puts me.
I was talking about this to a friend, and he suggested that I move somewhere like San Francisco, where people just don’t care. I really don’t agree with that. Sometimes liberals are just as closeminded as conservatives. And anyway, I’ve been pretty surprised at how people here just ignore it. I can’t remember any comments from strangers in my local small town areas, neither in my work kerchief or my church shawl. and I’ve only had a couple comments when wearing either the church shawl or hijab in the ‘big city’ an hour away. People generally ignore it. His reaction was “So there! Nobody cares! Do as you please.” Sure, I can see that. No one comments, so what’s stopping me. Heck, I’m oblivious to strange stares for the most part.
The problem is that I want to be normal! Sure, I’m not getting comments or anything, but they know I’m different. I want to fit in! But yet, I know that even if I take this off, I won’t fit in. I will still be my strange bundle of contradictions that other people just don’t get. And I realize that because of that, I should keep doing what feels just damn right to me.
But I’m still torn.
