indecision

I haven’t said much lately, which is because there hasn’t been much to say. Now, though…

I have an interview tomorrow afternoon for a nursing school. I have a nice outfit that meets my own (possibly random) standards of modesty. (to the knee, covering the shoulder) and am now debating on the head cover.

As in: yes or no. Right now both options seem perfectly reasonable and both options seem absolutely ridiculous. Why would I go so far as possibly jeopardizing my acceptance into this school for a head covering that I don’t think is absolutely necessary?

At the same time, a friend told me, “I don’t think you should yet.” I’m left wondering, if not yet, if not now, then when? and the only answer I can come up with is “never.”

And then I think, maybe “never” is acceptable for work. I can still cover for church and personal prayers. I could still cover outside of those times when not at work. Maybe I really shouldn’t cover for work. Yet, I know me. I know that if I stop at covering at work, I will probably stop covering outside of work. I might still cover for church, at first. But I know that it would be so easy for me to just stop altogether.

And then I think, well, that wouldn’t be the worst thing ever. I mean, I felt drawn to this head covering thing, but it’s not impossible that it could be a seasonal thing for me, and not a forever thing. I don’t feel drawn to head covering as I did before, when I started. I also don’t feel “drawn away” from it either. It is a devotion for me. A dedication. A reminder that I am somehow set apart.

Not covering would be easier in the sight of normal people, but… but.. damn it. I’m not normal.  In other words, I still haven’t decided. I might not decide until I get there and am getting dressed for the interview. Stay tuned…

cars suck, yo.

So, I have a car, its name is PANTS! (dumb story, which is the only endearing thing about the car) PANTS! has given me lots and lots of shit during the time that I’ve owned it, but in the past 18 months since I’ve been back in the states, it’s been real hell.  Towed thrice (in six months), to the mechanic (who happens to be my uncle, so glad I trust him!) five times. Most recently two simplish repairs. I got it back the week after the 4th, took it to Springfield and enrolled in my classes for the fall semster and got Zeke & I signed up for dog training at PetSmart in the next week. It worked like a charm. Then Sunday, I wanted to take it to church. I got about three miles from home when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to make it because the shifting & accellerating were just wrong.

Shit. I just got it back, and now another problem. So I decided, Fuck it. I am not fixing this car. I refuse.

So, I have my mother’s Geo, I call it the Little Blue Death Bucket (or LBDB for short). Between it & PANTS! I’ve maintained vehicular transportation. But the LBDB is getting old. And I’ve been warned that its lifespan is coming to an end, sometime, and that long distances & highway driving will bring that end faster.

My uncle, the mechanic, has been telling me for a while that I need to get a new car. (new, new to me, whatever — something more reliable) but I can think of a million things I’d rather buy than a car.

So, I’m prepping for a carless time. I’ve borrowed a friend’s bike that I’ve ridden a couple of times. I’m planning out routes to get me to work, away from cars. I’m thinking of people in my church that I can get rides from if that day comes.

I’m planning on riding to work, at least a few times a week to get used to it and to attempt to preserve car life.

I know I’m crazy. I know I should probably just buy a car. But I just don’t want to. It’s not about the environment. It is, in part, due to money. Car, registration, oil changes, gas, insurance, and other things I’m forgetting. It’s also the dependancy on other people, mainly mechanics. I want to be able to fix whatever might be wrong. I want my machinery to be simple enough for me to at least be able to see what is wrong. I want to depend on myself for my own movement.

At least in theory. I might change my mind when it’s no longer theoretical. Which hopefully will remain in the future.

nativity of st. john the baptist.

Last semester, towards the end of the semester, one of my psychology classmates and I were talking before class. He asked me, “From all your travels, what truth have you learned?” And I was floored. I don’t think of what truth I have learned. I think about those trips in finding, learning and experiencing beauty, not truth. And definitely not Truth, as I understood he meant it.

I’m not sure if that’s just the way my mind/body/soul work or what, but the thought of “Truth” in my travels never ever occured to me.

So, I was dumfounded last Wednesday, as I sat in church for the feast of the Nativity of St. John the Baptist and saw, once again, how amazingly beautiful our church is and my thoughts were on Truth. Yes, our church is beautiful, but what truth is there in here? What truth is there in our liturgy? What truth is there in our tradition? What truth is there in our Bible?

I just don’t know.

I am very frustrated, with a lot of things. Don’t get me wrong, I still intend to continue worshipping in my church. I think there is great truth there, along with its great beauty. It’s just that I can’t see it right now.

*sigh*

So, I have my physiology final tomorrow (or should I say later today) and I should be studying for it, but I am a procrastinator extraordinaire. Or, I’m just lazy. Either way, I can’t seem to stop reading Overheard in New York or picking at the roof of my mouth, where I must have burned it on store bought frozen pizza.

But whatev, I survived last week, which involved sleep deprivation, severe school stress, a water heater breaking, storms, a pointless 45 min. (one way) drive to a campus that was deserted, and in general frustrations with postponement.

I now have hot water, albeit slightly orangy for now and school will be done on Friday.

fighting and scarves

I must remember that while I might be constantly fighting, I am not under constant attack. Though between school and work and this whole head covering thing, it kinda feels like it to me. I must have more patience with others, but especially with myself. This does not equate with being harder on myself, because I have freakin’ high standards and I WILL live up to them, it just might take time.

I rock hardcore and even when things are hard.

In other news, I recently found a way to secure scarves to my head without doing the whole hijabi thing. Unfortunately I fought for twenty minutes this morning with this “surefire” thing only to get frustrated because the GD thing would not stay put/look quite right. Holy Moley. GRRR.