indecision

I haven’t said much lately, which is because there hasn’t been much to say. Now, though…

I have an interview tomorrow afternoon for a nursing school. I have a nice outfit that meets my own (possibly random) standards of modesty. (to the knee, covering the shoulder) and am now debating on the head cover.

As in: yes or no. Right now both options seem perfectly reasonable and both options seem absolutely ridiculous. Why would I go so far as possibly jeopardizing my acceptance into this school for a head covering that I don’t think is absolutely necessary?

At the same time, a friend told me, “I don’t think you should yet.” I’m left wondering, if not yet, if not now, then when? and the only answer I can come up with is “never.”

And then I think, maybe “never” is acceptable for work. I can still cover for church and personal prayers. I could still cover outside of those times when not at work. Maybe I really shouldn’t cover for work. Yet, I know me. I know that if I stop at covering at work, I will probably stop covering outside of work. I might still cover for church, at first. But I know that it would be so easy for me to just stop altogether.

And then I think, well, that wouldn’t be the worst thing ever. I mean, I felt drawn to this head covering thing, but it’s not impossible that it could be a seasonal thing for me, and not a forever thing. I don’t feel drawn to head covering as I did before, when I started. I also don’t feel “drawn away” from it either. It is a devotion for me. A dedication. A reminder that I am somehow set apart.

Not covering would be easier in the sight of normal people, but… but.. damn it. I’m not normal.  In other words, I still haven’t decided. I might not decide until I get there and am getting dressed for the interview. Stay tuned…

internet conversations, cont.

isaac: I worry it’s a moth to the flame type of thing
dana: the question is… what do i do with the flame now?
isaac: look at it with fascination like any good pyro
isaac: but it will burn!
dana: yeah, but it will burn in a good way or a bad way?
isaac: Dana
isaac: there is only the bad kind of burning…
dana: there is that whole evangelical “on fire for god” thing
dana: i don’t have that at all
isaac: right, so all that’s left is the scarring type of burning
isaac: so watch out!

A bit LOL
a bit WTF?
a lot *sigh*

peace.

ponderings

how is it possible to be uplifted and disheartened  simultaneously? or at least swung back and forth between the two in just the one day?

saved by the call bell…

Today I was at work, and I was chillin’ at the nurses station, waiting for call lights when one of our hospice nurses looks up at me and asks me if I always wear a scarf.  “Yes,” I reply. Right as he’s asking why I do so, one of my residents gets on her call light, to which I bust up laughing because she had already been on her light three times in the past five minutes. I grab the other aide for moral support and went to answer it.  Dogded another bullet, of sorts.

Why is it that my gratitude only comes from loss?

convention is ova.

a post wherein I name people who don’t know they are being named and post a picture as well.

random conventioner: Mother Mimi wants to speak to you.
dana: uh. I don’t know who Mother Mimi is.
RC: She’s in the convention room over there.
dana: But I still don’t know who that is. Why does she want to talk to me?”
RC: I don’t know, but she said she wanted to talk to the ‘young lady in a green jacket and a red turban’.
Nancy: Come on, I’ll take you to her.
dana: uh… okay.

(we all know there’s only one reason someone wants to speak to the “young lady in the green jacket and red turban”)

In the end, it was a very nice priest who inquired if I was Muslim. Again I say, no. We actually talked for a little while, asked how I came to the Episcopal Church. Wherein I talked WAY too much and kept glancing at my priest who was standing there as well. As in “I think I told you all this before. Maybe…” and “I’m not real sure what I’m doing, what the hell am I doing?”

In the end, it was all good because she let me take her picture to document the Episcopal Women in Sport Coat phenomenon. And in the end it wasn’t all good because I couldn’t flip the picture the right direction when I tried to post it.

Convention time!

So, I’m in KC at the Diocesan Convention. I am, as you might suppose, the only head coverer around. There are however BOATLOADS of women in sportscoats. It just might be the unofficial Episcopal Woman’s Clothing. It seems like everyone, Including the five women here that I know have worn a blazer/sport coat today.  I was unaware of the popularity of this garment, especially in my church.

So, there I am, standing the the back of the room waiting for a minute by myself when this lady walks up to me and says “salaamu ‘alekum” and reaches out to shake my hand. I automatically reply “wa’alekum salam” and shake her hand because … uh. it’s habit. And she stops and asks me “Is that … a correct assumption?” To which I can only reply “Uh, No.” and then she doesn’t ask anything esle, she just moves on.

Later that evening an older lady comes up to me and askes,

Do you mind if I ask you about your headcovering?
No, what do you want to know?
Are you Muslim?
No
Why do you… is it for religious reasons?
Yes. (maybe I need to learn to expound a little more. I’ve been doing this for two months, but honestly very few people ask!)

just keep your head…

So, I’m sitting in the downstairs hallway at school with my computer, Victor, trying to download some “How to wrap hijab” videos to my computer with Media Converter and it’s just not working. I personally think it’s because of the school’s dumb restrictions, both for content and now possibly random programs. Whatev, it’s not working. I’ve figured out how to put the headphones in my ears under the scarf and am looking through some possible videos to watch. When this girl comes up to me.

“Are you, are you one of those? Are you one of those?” It wasn’t an accusatory voice, but inquisitive. But either way I was rather put off from the start. Good job, yo. So I look at her, rather incredulously.
“Do you mean, am I a Muslim?”
“Yeah, are you a Muslim?”
“No, I’m a Christian.” And then I go off just a little bit on the “Yeah, this style scarf is more in the Islamic tradition, but Christianity has it’s own tradition of head covering, blah, blah, blah” which was probably totally unnecessary given that she couldn’t even think of ‘muslim’ It wasn’t even “Are you an Islam?” a question I can understand, but still. And then she sat down and wanted to chat. I wanted to get my hijab video fix and go home and sleep. I tried to be polite, but I probably failed miserably.

A snippet of conversation where I’m pretty sure I failed in the politeness aspect:
“I have friends who are Muslim. Do you have friends that are Muslim?”
“Uh, yeah… I do. But … they don’t really live around here, I guess.”
“Oh, yeah. My friends who are Muslim don’t live around here either. I have one in Springfield and … other places.”
pause…

anyway, I didn’t handle my first real question all that well. So, the only way to go from here is up.