nativity of st. john the baptist.

Last semester, towards the end of the semester, one of my psychology classmates and I were talking before class. He asked me, “From all your travels, what truth have you learned?” And I was floored. I don’t think of what truth I have learned. I think about those trips in finding, learning and experiencing beauty, not truth. And definitely not Truth, as I understood he meant it.

I’m not sure if that’s just the way my mind/body/soul work or what, but the thought of “Truth” in my travels never ever occured to me.

So, I was dumfounded last Wednesday, as I sat in church for the feast of the Nativity of St. John the Baptist and saw, once again, how amazingly beautiful our church is and my thoughts were on Truth. Yes, our church is beautiful, but what truth is there in here? What truth is there in our liturgy? What truth is there in our tradition? What truth is there in our Bible?

I just don’t know.

I am very frustrated, with a lot of things. Don’t get me wrong, I still intend to continue worshipping in my church. I think there is great truth there, along with its great beauty. It’s just that I can’t see it right now.

another rambling thing.

Last night was the Feast of the Annunciation, and is my church’s tradition, before weekday evening masses, we meet at a local Chinese restaurant before the service. As I was arrived, the Choir left, to get to the church to practice, which left me and one of the choir member’s husband, who is a priest at another church.

We were talking about some stuff, when he said “I noticed you always wear a scarf on your head” Which always leads to awkward explanations and half tripping over myself and being unclear about what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.

I’ve been covering for seven months and I still don’t know how to explain myself. At work when people ask, I start with “it’s a religious thing” which leads to “what religion?” and blank stares when I say “Episcopalian”

And then I (feel like) I need to explain that I’m just about the only Episcopalian that I know who covers. But last night, it was a priest. He knew that no one covers! So, I didn’t have to explain that.  I did some combo of “tradition/don’t care for Paul” thing and blah blah blah.

Anyway,  I’m left frustrated because I can’t articulate what I want to say when people ask and I hate that. But people rarely ask. And I rarely think about it.

I cover because … I cover because I feel like I was called to.  And I like it. I struggle with finding an appropriate style from time to time.  I struggle with finding a style that will stay on with little fuss.

When I first started, I definitely struggled with work covering. I still hate that little white square kerchief.  I’m not a banana person. I have a few but rarely wear them out of the house.  But my coworkers have accepted it, or at least are tactful enough not to talk about it to my face. and I move on.

NO ONE in my classes have asked about it EVER in the past seven months.

And I’m left if my uncomfortablity with being asked about it is because no one ever does, or if it’s because I just don’t think about it. Because I don’t. It has become part of me.  I cover because … because I cover.  I don’t have words for it.

And at the same time, I wonder if there will come a time when I don’t want to anymore. If this will somehow “run it’s course” and I’ll take it off, and it will not be part of me anymore. If I will fight it the desire and hold on to covering or if I will just set it aside, and move on. And I wonder if it will even matter.

it always has taken me a long time to respond

When I was in Ethiopia, my traveling partner and I went to this fairly nice restaurant. It was there that I had my first White Russian since I had arrived in Yemen. We sat down at a table and a large circle table was next to us. I heard them talking and they had a distinctively Texan accent.  I was facing their table and looking at them. There were quite a few people and NONE of them had alcohol. I decided at this moment that they were somehow missionaries.

One of the men turned and looked at me, recognizing an American accent as well, and attempted to strike up a conversation. He asked if we were Christian, and we were all “yeah” and then he asked if we were “born again Christians.” My memory is fuzzy on how we got out of this one, but I’m pretty sure it was with a few “uhhs” and a bathroom run.

Next time, I’m prepared, thanks to Mother Kathy. “Yeah, I’ve been baptized!”

Or maybe I’ll go biblical on him. “How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother’s womb and be born?” (John 3:4 ESV) Because really, this is a pretty good question to me. OOH! If he follows up with Jesus’ reply, and I can totally respond with the “Yeah! I’ve been baptized!”

It is the protestant lexicon that just gets me to the core. Throwing words around like they/we know what they mean! Born again, born again! What can that mean? How can you use it so casually? And whatever the answer is, you judge them as “one of us vs. one of them” “saved vs. needs saving”. And that works in the binary system, but I live in the reals.

more misrepresentations

So, Saturday after I got done with Altar Guild set up, I went to Walmart for some essentials. Like thread and Ice Cream (a true essential, you know) and while there, I saw a fellow headcovering lady. She was wearing a long white veil, long sleeved tshirt and a jean skirt. I waved, and she said “Hi!” It was very pleasant and I was kinda giddy afterwards.

And then I crashed, as I normally do. It hit me that even as I feel like I’m misrepresenting myself when I am at school if I wear hijab (which I rarely do anymore, in favor of a loose style) I feel like I’m misrepresenting myself even if i go in a very traditional protestant christian kerchief style (which was what I was wearing at the time) because the protestant headcoverers that i’m finding are very frugally oriented, at least trying to keep a good house, home cook, ect. I am NONE of these things. I work because I have to. Well, I work because I want to as well. I’m going to school to get my BSN because I want to continue to work after I get married. I am a HORRIBLE housekeeper. (See snake story. Actually, I haven’t written snake story, suffice to say that it starts with a snake in the house and ends with a gas fire. The house is still intact, PRAISE THE LORD! ) I don’t cook. Mostly because of the schedule, but also because I suck at it. I seriously bought ice cream, spinach and dr. pepper and hoped that there was enough canned food in the house to last the week. Today I did go buy a pizza and a tray of enchiladas which shoould last the week.

What I’m saying is that I’m not a homemaker. I have more examples, but I don’t need to embarrass myself any more. What am I saying when I put on a headcover?  Am I saying that I am domestic? That I am married and have children? What are you saying? What do other people assume?

the elephant in the blog

So. in that last post I said “I love America” because I do. I didn’t remember until I sat down and actually wrote that post how lucky and blessed I am to be an American. I met a German in Yemen who worked at the German Embassy. She didn’t cover in Yemen partially because she could not cover in the Embassy. According to her, religious symbols of any kind are forbidden in all German government buildings. No crosses, no Islamic scarves, nothing. Hijab is banned in French schools.  I am blessed to be in a country that allows me to practice my religion in any way I see fit.

But that isn’t where I intended this post to go. I said “I love America” but not “Praise the Lord, for all his interventions!” In some ways, I acknowledge that it was him who stepped in and brought up the head covering again before I left that office. And in other ways, I fight that idea. I acknowledge that it was only through his strength that I said anything about religion. and yet I fight that idea. The nurse’s response must have been straight from God. And yet, I say it was just a coincidence.

Divine intervention is Hard.
Hard,
with a capital H.
It is too personal.
It is too close.

Divine Intervention
means that God is
a personal god.
I believe this;
but I fight it.

I believe,
but I don’t believe.

Jesus loves me.

Jesus does not love me.

How can I cover when I fight these things that others just take for granted? Maybe I cover because I do fight. I will not say that I give up on any of these ideas. I will not just accept what comes naturally to me. I will not allow myself to forget these struggles in the midst of daily life.

Not yet.
I still have some fight in me.

masha’allah.

a small explanation.

So, nobody’s asked, but I’m sure everyone is just dying to know why the title of my blog is “Holy Jesus Snack Cup!” Especially since I am most definitely religious and this doesn’t seem like something that a Christian woman would say. Besides, it doesn’t even make sense. Until you see this: Prefilled Communion Cups With Wafers. Did you catch that? Prefilled communion cups! “No waste!” Easier clean up! Let me tell you, if it’s easier clean up, then there’s waste! Not both.

The whole idea makes me sad inside. Maybe it’s just me, but I love the “one cup” thing. Sure, it takes a little while longer for everyone to make it to the front of the church and drink (or dunk) from the cup, but it brings us together in a way prefilled plastic cups just can’t do. (What is Unity?) As far as their “It’s sanitary!” pitch goes, I thought that was what the alcohol was for. (Our alter wine is 18%!)

Anyway, I passed this little find along to Elle who promptly named it the “Jesus Snack Cup.” After that I decided that “Holy Jesus Snack Cup” was probably the best curse word/phrase ever. I have since taken it into my usual vocabulary. People look at me funny when I say it, but people look at me funny anyway. I’m learning to embrace it.

changing the way i think

Okay, it’s only been a week since I started covering and even before then, I didn’t consider myself a very immodest person, but I never really thought much about clothes, whether they were my own or others’. Now, I am beginning to notice other people’s clothes. I still don’t give too much thought to my own, at least in terms of modesty. I’ve started wearing long sleves and pants, though I haven’t worn shorts in nonrunning situations for a couple of years.

I haven’t started covering my head at work, (though I did try a headbandish bandanay thing Monday, it didn’t work out too well. Not because of people but because of the work) I have begun to wear long sleeves under my scrub top. It is surprising that although I might be a bit warmer than I would be without sleeves, I am so much more comfortable with them! It’s not much, but a few people at work have asked how I can wear long sleeves. I’ve just blown it off so far, I still feel like I’m not ready to handle questions, as you see by my previous posts.

After wearing a scarf around (in some way) it feels weird not to be wearing one at work. And although I’ve been covering at school, I feel like I’m being dishonest with the hijab. I’m NOT muslim and I feel like I’m misrepresenting myself and God with it. At the same time, it’s the most stylish covering that I know of, plus I have the right kind of scarves on hand. I also feel a little pressure not to stir things up at school. I am the only person covering there, and I feel like I have a ‘reputation’ or something to uphold.

I’m also worried about my intentions with this whole head covering thing. I know my rational and all that, but the real reason I started in the first place was because I wanted to. I don’t believe having an uncovered head dishonors God, I don’t think the woman’s place is subservient in any way to her husband and I definitely don’t think that women should be quiet in the presence of men. I do think hijab is pretty and I think it’s kinda cool that no one at school knows what my hair looks like. Are my intentions purely to gain attention? Maybe. Maybe more than maybe. Maybe quite possibly. Maybe my new thoughts on wearing a nonhijab covering to school is more about getting attention than just trying to cover my head. I guess I’ll just stick with the status quo (well, status quo for me anyway) for now.

This is all bullshit. It isn’t even what I set out to write. But maybe it is a bit more honest than what I intended.

Lord have mercy!
Christ Have mercy!
Lord have mercy!

a general why

I have been considering covering my hair for quite a while, maybe even pre Yemen, though back then my ‘considering’ was a general wondering and not an actual desire. In Yemen, I hated hijab (as my friend Isaac reminded me yesterday.) But, I think that was because I was wearing hijab/abaya because I got way too much attention without it. I only wore it out of societal pressure. Sometime after I returned from Yemen, I would look at hijab and other traditional Christian and Jewish head covers online and think to myself “I really want to try that. Now is not the right time, though. Maybe when I go away to nursing school and am in a bigger city, I will.”

At the same time, I read about why modern women cover. I was very disappointed to find  that everyone I ran across online, especially in the beginning, were ’sola scriptura’ people, who solely based their reasonings behind covering on Paul and 1 Corinthians 11. I am not a fan of this passage because I believe it is demeaning to women. To make matters worse, I ran across these crazy IFB (Independent Fundamentalist Baptist) forums (or maybe it was just that one) that supported women’s head covering. The women on this forum encourage the ideas that a woman’s place is in the home, quiet and subservient to their husbands. This is not something I want to support!

Which leads me to a difficult place because I want to cover, but not for these reasons. I want to cover because, as I understand, it wasn’t until recently that Christian women didn’t cover. The act of covering full time may have faded earlier, but covering in church remained standard until very recently.  Head covering has been a part of the church’s tradition from the very beginning, as Paul demonstrates. It has continued throughout time, and in many eastern churches, it is still practiced. I loved that many of the Southeastern Asian Catholics covered during Mass and prayer time with the nuns in Yemen. The Ethiopian Orthodox women covered in Ethiopia. And while these examples maybe cultural, it is, at least in my mind, a nearly universal practice throughout church history.

This might not be the best reasoning ever, but it is mine. I hope that as I practice covering and practice explaining why I cover to others, my logic will become more solid and my understanding of why women in general and myself in specific cover will become deeper than my current, rather random and fluffy, desire to put something on my head and be associated with this one aspect of Christian tradition.