Dear Church People:

Okay. So. I’m back! I think.

I recently moved and I decided to take this time to do whatever I wanted when it comes to church. There are a LOT of churches around here. And ever since I got back from Morocco I’ve had this extreme interested in them. Mostly a vague, “I wonder what they do behind those doors” kind of thing. And I’m finding out. I think this will end up being general observations rather than the more detailed rundown I write about in real life. But I would like to stop, and make a series of ‘helpful’ posts for churches out there who have random girls dressed like hippies that show up occasionally. OKAY, it’s probably more helpful to me as a rant than for them.

I posted a facebook status the other day, and this post is my response to that.

dear church people: you make me uncomfortable. i’m not sure if it’s your fault or mine, but imma try working on my end. wanna help out on yours? ♥ dana.

Let’s start with questions. I’m new. I get that. There are probably things you want to know about me. Heck, I probably want to know some things about you too. This is not the way to start that conversation with me, because I will KILL IT. (and how)

Do I know you?
-> This one bugs me because the town I’m in is not small. I don’t know if you know me. Maybe we ran into each other somewhere. I think the question you really want to know is “Have you been here before?” or maybe even “Do you come regularly?” Which is a PERFECTLY REASONABLE question for most of the churches I’ve been to.  Because often these are not small churches. When you increase your services to more than one on a Sunday morning, it gets confusing. I totally understand. All I’m saying is, ask the question you want answered.  Otherwise this hippie girl is gonna be all awkward and “uh… i dunno?” When I could be all awkward and “No, I’ve never been here before” or “I’ve been here a couple of times” or “I come for random weekday services but not a Sunday service before.”

Can I just take this time to say: Dear Church People: intro-fucking-duce yourselves. Even if I’ve been to your church before RE-intro-fucking-duce yourself, it’s very very likely I’ve forgotten your name. I’m not good with names. Besides, do you have any fucking clue how many churches I’ve been to in the past two months? Yeah, me either. But it’s double digits.

Which leads me to question #2

“What’s your name?” or “Who are you?” NO PEOPLE. Okay, take that back, it’s not entirely inappropriate, but the BETTER way to do this: *stick hand out/offer handshake* “Hi. My name is (N)! *PAUSE*” Check that shit out. It allows me to get your name, AND Offer mine. Which I will do. Okay, sometimes it takes the prompt of asking for my name. But that’s because you stick more conversation where that PAUSE should be. Put that info before the name intro or after the pause. NEVER EVER Ask for a name without FIRST OFFERING YOURS. Dear TEC: THIS MEANS YOU.

Where do you live?
-> This one bothers me because I see it less of a “and where is your abode?” and more of a “so can we expect you to come back here?” well, I won’t be coming back with that attitude! Also, I’ve taken to just saying Springfield. Because a) that’s all you really need to know at this point and b) if I give a street name, people go “Oh, that’s so far away!” and I’m all “What the fuck are you talking about, it’s 15 minutes away. I’m used to driving much more than that.” I can be very loyal and pretty damn involved, if you give me the chance.

What’s your last name?/Who is your family?
->WTF? No. I really don’t get this one. Okay, a little back story, I sat next to a lady. She went into a story about how she worked downtown but lived in Marionville, and I was all “I grew up there” and then she proceeded with this question. Dude, church people: boundaries.

How did you hear about us?
-> Okay, all I hear in this one is ‘advertising’ and that doesn’t translate well with “I drove by the building then googled you or I googled you and then drove by the building.

Do you have cancer? *
-> again, srsly wtf? (this one might be isolated to me) I might need a better headcovering.

*ACTUAL QUESTION posed to me at a church.

I’m going to stop for now, though I’m sure I’ll update it later. I have other things to say about churches as well, esp. regarding welcoming teams and touching. But for now, I think some things for church people to keep in mind when talking to new people are ask the question you actually want an answer to and remember that we have boundaries and might not be willing to spill our entire life story to you the first time we show up. BOUNDARIES.

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One Response to “Dear Church People:”

  1. holy jesus snack cup! « The Eighth Sacrament Says:

    […] I’ll not steal D’s blog fodder, but the first thing I thought of when I read this is “Also, just because a woman and a man walk in together does not mean they are married. […]

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