Posts Tagged ‘general frustrations’

random things i’ll probably delete when i get some sleep

8 December 2010

You know those days when you hate yourself? It’s like you dwell on every little thing you said and did in the past decade and how it was all terrible? Yeah. Welcome to my day — well night but now going into the day. Now I can’t sleep. Go figure.

I should probably read some Psalms. But that’ll probably screw me all up too. Dear Jesus: SAY WHA? srsly.

I know, I know, that one of you who’s all “dana, is this really jesus’ fault?” i say, “well probably not but i’m still pissed about the whole Betty thing, which really was his fault. and totally not related to this at all.

While I’m taking out my illogically-related-to-the-trinity things out, Dear Holy Spirit: Please be a little more OBVIOUS about things you say to your people. Cause a lot of people say you told them shit, and it’s kinda hard to reconcile. All I’m sayin’ is a little *raises hand* “you know, I really DIDN’T speak to that crazy televangelist” I’d be like more cool with you as a general idea. So, when you get on that, give me a heads up with everyone else.

Cause you know I tend to be the last to know shit. Also, to the Father part: can we work on people skillz? Mine in particular, but your whole “christian” people could use a little of that action.

One final thing for the whole Trinity: Thanks for this semester almost being over. And thanks for making it look like this whole “nursing school” thing might just work out. I’m beginning to believe it’s really going to happen. I’ll totally believe it when I move. Though I won’t ever trust it’s real until I have that BSN in hand.

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church break

9 November 2010

Sometimes, I take a break from church. and churches. And I’m doing it again this week. I am TIRED. and confused. and really really… confused. So, I’m breaking for a while. No Orthodox or Episcopal or any other Christian services for the week. Exception for Sunday, where I may go to St. James. Or not. Depending. That’s the plan.

I will probably make it out to the Temple on Friday night because I have Thursday/Friday off so I will be well rested. I might make it to Juma’a prayers at the Mosque Friday noonish, but that’s not for sure. Oh. I need to figure out if there is a time change because of the end of DST.

Okay, this is a little rambley. Suffice to say I’m tired. And confused. And really lost. Or wandery. I’ve heard all who wander are not lost. I’m not sure that’s applicable to me. Though honestly, who wouldn’t want it to be? I know who I am and what I believe (NOOOOOO protestant hymn!) Yeah, that’s totally not me.

Goodnight all.

Dear Church People:

24 May 2010

Okay. So. I’m back! I think.

I recently moved and I decided to take this time to do whatever I wanted when it comes to church. There are a LOT of churches around here. And ever since I got back from Morocco I’ve had this extreme interested in them. Mostly a vague, “I wonder what they do behind those doors” kind of thing. And I’m finding out. I think this will end up being general observations rather than the more detailed rundown I write about in real life. But I would like to stop, and make a series of ‘helpful’ posts for churches out there who have random girls dressed like hippies that show up occasionally. OKAY, it’s probably more helpful to me as a rant than for them.

I posted a facebook status the other day, and this post is my response to that.

dear church people: you make me uncomfortable. i’m not sure if it’s your fault or mine, but imma try working on my end. wanna help out on yours? ♥ dana.

Let’s start with questions. I’m new. I get that. There are probably things you want to know about me. Heck, I probably want to know some things about you too. This is not the way to start that conversation with me, because I will KILL IT. (and how)

Do I know you?
-> This one bugs me because the town I’m in is not small. I don’t know if you know me. Maybe we ran into each other somewhere. I think the question you really want to know is “Have you been here before?” or maybe even “Do you come regularly?” Which is a PERFECTLY REASONABLE question for most of the churches I’ve been to.  Because often these are not small churches. When you increase your services to more than one on a Sunday morning, it gets confusing. I totally understand. All I’m saying is, ask the question you want answered.  Otherwise this hippie girl is gonna be all awkward and “uh… i dunno?” When I could be all awkward and “No, I’ve never been here before” or “I’ve been here a couple of times” or “I come for random weekday services but not a Sunday service before.”

Can I just take this time to say: Dear Church People: intro-fucking-duce yourselves. Even if I’ve been to your church before RE-intro-fucking-duce yourself, it’s very very likely I’ve forgotten your name. I’m not good with names. Besides, do you have any fucking clue how many churches I’ve been to in the past two months? Yeah, me either. But it’s double digits.

Which leads me to question #2

“What’s your name?” or “Who are you?” NO PEOPLE. Okay, take that back, it’s not entirely inappropriate, but the BETTER way to do this: *stick hand out/offer handshake* “Hi. My name is (N)! *PAUSE*” Check that shit out. It allows me to get your name, AND Offer mine. Which I will do. Okay, sometimes it takes the prompt of asking for my name. But that’s because you stick more conversation where that PAUSE should be. Put that info before the name intro or after the pause. NEVER EVER Ask for a name without FIRST OFFERING YOURS. Dear TEC: THIS MEANS YOU.

Where do you live?
-> This one bothers me because I see it less of a “and where is your abode?” and more of a “so can we expect you to come back here?” well, I won’t be coming back with that attitude! Also, I’ve taken to just saying Springfield. Because a) that’s all you really need to know at this point and b) if I give a street name, people go “Oh, that’s so far away!” and I’m all “What the fuck are you talking about, it’s 15 minutes away. I’m used to driving much more than that.” I can be very loyal and pretty damn involved, if you give me the chance.

What’s your last name?/Who is your family?
->WTF? No. I really don’t get this one. Okay, a little back story, I sat next to a lady. She went into a story about how she worked downtown but lived in Marionville, and I was all “I grew up there” and then she proceeded with this question. Dude, church people: boundaries.

How did you hear about us?
-> Okay, all I hear in this one is ‘advertising’ and that doesn’t translate well with “I drove by the building then googled you or I googled you and then drove by the building.

Do you have cancer? *
-> again, srsly wtf? (this one might be isolated to me) I might need a better headcovering.

*ACTUAL QUESTION posed to me at a church.

I’m going to stop for now, though I’m sure I’ll update it later. I have other things to say about churches as well, esp. regarding welcoming teams and touching. But for now, I think some things for church people to keep in mind when talking to new people are ask the question you actually want an answer to and remember that we have boundaries and might not be willing to spill our entire life story to you the first time we show up. BOUNDARIES.

indecision

19 November 2009

I haven’t said much lately, which is because there hasn’t been much to say. Now, though…

I have an interview tomorrow afternoon for a nursing school. I have a nice outfit that meets my own (possibly random) standards of modesty. (to the knee, covering the shoulder) and am now debating on the head cover.

As in: yes or no. Right now both options seem perfectly reasonable and both options seem absolutely ridiculous. Why would I go so far as possibly jeopardizing my acceptance into this school for a head covering that I don’t think is absolutely necessary?

At the same time, a friend told me, “I don’t think you should yet.” I’m left wondering, if not yet, if not now, then when? and the only answer I can come up with is “never.”

And then I think, maybe “never” is acceptable for work. I can still cover for church and personal prayers. I could still cover outside of those times when not at work. Maybe I really shouldn’t cover for work. Yet, I know me. I know that if I stop at covering at work, I will probably stop covering outside of work. I might still cover for church, at first. But I know that it would be so easy for me to just stop altogether.

And then I think, well, that wouldn’t be the worst thing ever. I mean, I felt drawn to this head covering thing, but it’s not impossible that it could be a seasonal thing for me, and not a forever thing. I don’t feel drawn to head covering as I did before, when I started. I also don’t feel “drawn away” from it either. It is a devotion for me. A dedication. A reminder that I am somehow set apart.

Not covering would be easier in the sight of normal people, but… but.. damn it. I’m not normal.  In other words, I still haven’t decided. I might not decide until I get there and am getting dressed for the interview. Stay tuned…

cars suck, yo.

19 July 2009

So, I have a car, its name is PANTS! (dumb story, which is the only endearing thing about the car) PANTS! has given me lots and lots of shit during the time that I’ve owned it, but in the past 18 months since I’ve been back in the states, it’s been real hell.  Towed thrice (in six months), to the mechanic (who happens to be my uncle, so glad I trust him!) five times. Most recently two simplish repairs. I got it back the week after the 4th, took it to Springfield and enrolled in my classes for the fall semster and got Zeke & I signed up for dog training at PetSmart in the next week. It worked like a charm. Then Sunday, I wanted to take it to church. I got about three miles from home when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to make it because the shifting & accellerating were just wrong.

Shit. I just got it back, and now another problem. So I decided, Fuck it. I am not fixing this car. I refuse.

So, I have my mother’s Geo, I call it the Little Blue Death Bucket (or LBDB for short). Between it & PANTS! I’ve maintained vehicular transportation. But the LBDB is getting old. And I’ve been warned that its lifespan is coming to an end, sometime, and that long distances & highway driving will bring that end faster.

My uncle, the mechanic, has been telling me for a while that I need to get a new car. (new, new to me, whatever — something more reliable) but I can think of a million things I’d rather buy than a car.

So, I’m prepping for a carless time. I’ve borrowed a friend’s bike that I’ve ridden a couple of times. I’m planning out routes to get me to work, away from cars. I’m thinking of people in my church that I can get rides from if that day comes.

I’m planning on riding to work, at least a few times a week to get used to it and to attempt to preserve car life.

I know I’m crazy. I know I should probably just buy a car. But I just don’t want to. It’s not about the environment. It is, in part, due to money. Car, registration, oil changes, gas, insurance, and other things I’m forgetting. It’s also the dependancy on other people, mainly mechanics. I want to be able to fix whatever might be wrong. I want my machinery to be simple enough for me to at least be able to see what is wrong. I want to depend on myself for my own movement.

At least in theory. I might change my mind when it’s no longer theoretical. Which hopefully will remain in the future.

nativity of st. john the baptist.

27 June 2009

Last semester, towards the end of the semester, one of my psychology classmates and I were talking before class. He asked me, “From all your travels, what truth have you learned?” And I was floored. I don’t think of what truth I have learned. I think about those trips in finding, learning and experiencing beauty, not truth. And definitely not Truth, as I understood he meant it.

I’m not sure if that’s just the way my mind/body/soul work or what, but the thought of “Truth” in my travels never ever occured to me.

So, I was dumfounded last Wednesday, as I sat in church for the feast of the Nativity of St. John the Baptist and saw, once again, how amazingly beautiful our church is and my thoughts were on Truth. Yes, our church is beautiful, but what truth is there in here? What truth is there in our liturgy? What truth is there in our tradition? What truth is there in our Bible?

I just don’t know.

I am very frustrated, with a lot of things. Don’t get me wrong, I still intend to continue worshipping in my church. I think there is great truth there, along with its great beauty. It’s just that I can’t see it right now.

*sigh*

13 May 2009

So, I have my physiology final tomorrow (or should I say later today) and I should be studying for it, but I am a procrastinator extraordinaire. Or, I’m just lazy. Either way, I can’t seem to stop reading Overheard in New York or picking at the roof of my mouth, where I must have burned it on store bought frozen pizza.

But whatev, I survived last week, which involved sleep deprivation, severe school stress, a water heater breaking, storms, a pointless 45 min. (one way) drive to a campus that was deserted, and in general frustrations with postponement.

I now have hot water, albeit slightly orangy for now and school will be done on Friday.

fighting and scarves

9 September 2008

I must remember that while I might be constantly fighting, I am not under constant attack. Though between school and work and this whole head covering thing, it kinda feels like it to me. I must have more patience with others, but especially with myself. This does not equate with being harder on myself, because I have freakin’ high standards and I WILL live up to them, it just might take time.

I rock hardcore and even when things are hard.

In other news, I recently found a way to secure scarves to my head without doing the whole hijabi thing. Unfortunately I fought for twenty minutes this morning with this “surefire” thing only to get frustrated because the GD thing would not stay put/look quite right. Holy Moley. GRRR.