Posts Tagged ‘i’m an idiot’

random things i’ll probably delete when i get some sleep

8 December 2010

You know those days when you hate yourself? It’s like you dwell on every little thing you said and did in the past decade and how it was all terrible? Yeah. Welcome to my day — well night but now going into the day. Now I can’t sleep. Go figure.

I should probably read some Psalms. But that’ll probably screw me all up too. Dear Jesus: SAY WHA? srsly.

I know, I know, that one of you who’s all “dana, is this really jesus’ fault?” i say, “well probably not but i’m still pissed about the whole Betty thing, which really was his fault. and totally not related to this at all.

While I’m taking out my illogically-related-to-the-trinity things out, Dear Holy Spirit: Please be a little more OBVIOUS about things you say to your people. Cause a lot of people say you told them shit, and it’s kinda hard to reconcile. All I’m sayin’ is a little *raises hand* “you know, I really DIDN’T speak to that crazy televangelist” I’d be like more cool with you as a general idea. So, when you get on that, give me a heads up with everyone else.

Cause you know I tend to be the last to know shit. Also, to the Father part: can we work on people skillz? Mine in particular, but your whole “christian” people could use a little of that action.

One final thing for the whole Trinity: Thanks for this semester almost being over. And thanks for making it look like this whole “nursing school” thing might just work out. I’m beginning to believe it’s really going to happen. I’ll totally believe it when I move. Though I won’t ever trust it’s real until I have that BSN in hand.

a cooking duh.

24 September 2010

In the chronicles of “Why the hell didn’t i think of this before now?” I present to you,

You know how when you buy fresh veggies… Wait. you might not know this. Let me explain. Sometimes, I want to make a dish. It requires fresh vegetables. Often these vegetables are sold in units larger than the recipe calls for, and for whatever reason you can’t just buy a smaller amount. So I buy them and I use what the recipe calls for. And the rest go bad. REALLY! and then a month later I’m all, “Man, I need some celery!” and the cycle repeats.

So, I have this celery in the fridge because um. the carrot curry recipe called for it. And I’m all “I should use it. I should eat it. I’m going to have to throw this out!” When all of a sudden I saw this blog post (which I can’t for the life of me find right now) that had a picture of celery, cut up and in a FREEZER BAG. It was like MY WHOLE LIFE expanded. FREEZE the food you can’t eat right away. Like the thought never crossed my mind. God, I’m dumb sometimes. But I just saved me some celery. (I assume you can do this with other foods. and probably not with some.)

Anyway. I think this idea came from Budget Bytes but if not, it’s still 100% worth checking out.

On a completely unrelated note: KANSAS CITY, HERE I COME! (you know, insha’allah, b’ezret hashem, we will with god’s help +) We are going to church it up.

indecision

19 November 2009

I haven’t said much lately, which is because there hasn’t been much to say. Now, though…

I have an interview tomorrow afternoon for a nursing school. I have a nice outfit that meets my own (possibly random) standards of modesty. (to the knee, covering the shoulder) and am now debating on the head cover.

As in: yes or no. Right now both options seem perfectly reasonable and both options seem absolutely ridiculous. Why would I go so far as possibly jeopardizing my acceptance into this school for a head covering that I don’t think is absolutely necessary?

At the same time, a friend told me, “I don’t think you should yet.” I’m left wondering, if not yet, if not now, then when? and the only answer I can come up with is “never.”

And then I think, maybe “never” is acceptable for work. I can still cover for church and personal prayers. I could still cover outside of those times when not at work. Maybe I really shouldn’t cover for work. Yet, I know me. I know that if I stop at covering at work, I will probably stop covering outside of work. I might still cover for church, at first. But I know that it would be so easy for me to just stop altogether.

And then I think, well, that wouldn’t be the worst thing ever. I mean, I felt drawn to this head covering thing, but it’s not impossible that it could be a seasonal thing for me, and not a forever thing. I don’t feel drawn to head covering as I did before, when I started. I also don’t feel “drawn away” from it either. It is a devotion for me. A dedication. A reminder that I am somehow set apart.

Not covering would be easier in the sight of normal people, but… but.. damn it. I’m not normal.  In other words, I still haven’t decided. I might not decide until I get there and am getting dressed for the interview. Stay tuned…

cars suck, yo.

19 July 2009

So, I have a car, its name is PANTS! (dumb story, which is the only endearing thing about the car) PANTS! has given me lots and lots of shit during the time that I’ve owned it, but in the past 18 months since I’ve been back in the states, it’s been real hell.  Towed thrice (in six months), to the mechanic (who happens to be my uncle, so glad I trust him!) five times. Most recently two simplish repairs. I got it back the week after the 4th, took it to Springfield and enrolled in my classes for the fall semster and got Zeke & I signed up for dog training at PetSmart in the next week. It worked like a charm. Then Sunday, I wanted to take it to church. I got about three miles from home when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to make it because the shifting & accellerating were just wrong.

Shit. I just got it back, and now another problem. So I decided, Fuck it. I am not fixing this car. I refuse.

So, I have my mother’s Geo, I call it the Little Blue Death Bucket (or LBDB for short). Between it & PANTS! I’ve maintained vehicular transportation. But the LBDB is getting old. And I’ve been warned that its lifespan is coming to an end, sometime, and that long distances & highway driving will bring that end faster.

My uncle, the mechanic, has been telling me for a while that I need to get a new car. (new, new to me, whatever — something more reliable) but I can think of a million things I’d rather buy than a car.

So, I’m prepping for a carless time. I’ve borrowed a friend’s bike that I’ve ridden a couple of times. I’m planning out routes to get me to work, away from cars. I’m thinking of people in my church that I can get rides from if that day comes.

I’m planning on riding to work, at least a few times a week to get used to it and to attempt to preserve car life.

I know I’m crazy. I know I should probably just buy a car. But I just don’t want to. It’s not about the environment. It is, in part, due to money. Car, registration, oil changes, gas, insurance, and other things I’m forgetting. It’s also the dependancy on other people, mainly mechanics. I want to be able to fix whatever might be wrong. I want my machinery to be simple enough for me to at least be able to see what is wrong. I want to depend on myself for my own movement.

At least in theory. I might change my mind when it’s no longer theoretical. Which hopefully will remain in the future.

disjointed, to say the least

15 May 2009

Historically, and by ‘historically’ I mean in my personal history, May 15th is a VERY important day and I’m not quite sure what to do with it, honestly.

Today was also important because I finished my finals for the semester, plus I asked a professor to write a letter of recommendation for nursing school. (oh, and she agreed!)

I had stayed up late writing papers and doing the extra credit assignment for my psychology final. The final itself was the same lenth as a normal test and thus took about twenty minutes to take. Which is good because that means I got out early and went to Springfield for some post-finals retail therapy.

Or something like that. I needed a watch for work. I had blown through several Wal*Mart watches. They break quickly for me, given my line of work. I have to wash my hands frequently. So, I thought since I’d go somewhere a little higher class than WalMart for a watch that might outlast a month, I’d go to the mall and just hit up all the places I’ve been wanting to go for a while. So I went to Joanne’s and bought some fabric for a pet project that I’ve been planning in my head for a while. I’m not quite sure if what I bought will fit in to the plan right now, but I’m sure if not, I’ll find something else for it. Besides, I’m all about getting that pet project fabric from the sale/clearance section.

Then to Target. For some reason I always forget that buying chocolate in the summer is not a good idea. By the time I got that stuff home it was all one big blob. But it’s still tasty like whoa. I also bought shampoo! That’s exciting for me because it means my 16 + month resolve to use up the soap pantry build up is slowly paying off. I am out of shampoo! I still have enough soap and conditioner to last until the Zombiepocalypse, but I’m on my way.

And then to the mall where I bought my beautiful watch. It’s a Relic from Sears. I really wanted a Fossil, but their designs kinda sucked. Plus, apparently Relic is made by Fossil, it’s small, water resistant, has dot for ALL the numbers and a second hand (all these are important for me because I use it for pulses and V/S at work and I don’t want to wait forever for the second hand to make it to the next quarter of a minute mark, you know?) and it was 25% off, so yay all the way around. I also ended up getting a completely unnessisary skirt, but it’s cute. Oh, and Flip Flops. My old ones were about to fall apart.

The last Springfield stop was the Catholic store. I had sent my “Immaculate Heart of Mary” prayer card to a friend who I thought might need her a little more than I did a while ago. I kept thinking that I would make it back and get another one and I had realized that I really missed her! So I got another one, Two, actually, for good measure and just in case. YAY IHM!

And if that weren’t enough as I was about to turn off to go home, I decided that no, I really should go put gas in the Little Blue Death Bucket, even though I was exhausted. So I went on into my small hometown. As I was filling up the tank, I swear to God, I heard this sound, and I thought to myself, “If I didn’t know better, I’d think that was the Call to Prayer from a mosque.” Seriously, long slow sounds of chanting. And so I listened. and I heard “ALLAHU AKBAR! Allahu Akbar!” coming from another car, I assumed. I tried looking around the car in front of me, to identify where exactly it was coming from, which I never did because I’m pretty sure it was some sort of intro to a song or something and all of a sudden it was gone, lost in some other song.

It was surreal, to say the least.

jonah

4 May 2009

josh: you know what happens when you put god off, right?
dana: no, what?
josh: it goes something along the lines of
josh: boats and oceans and storms;
josh: big scary sea creatures and emesis…
dana: oh yeah, right…

Unfortunately I can see myself in this. I’m in the middle east and I decide that I want to go somewhere, and in the back of my mind one of the really good reasons to go to this place is because it’s far away from some other place that maybe, just maybe i should be going. So, I head off in my own direction and hey, what the hell! I can get there by boat! I’ve never gone anywhere via boat before. Let’s do it.

And then the skys darken and there’s a large sea creature and the end, though. There’s probably no vomit for me…

Remind me that never having gone anywhere by boat might be a perfectly fine thing when that day comes…

sooooo emo.

3 May 2009

art is why i get up in the morning
but my definition ends there
you know, it doesn’t seem fair
that i’m living for something
i can’t even define
there you are right there in the meantime
i don’t want to play for you anymore
show me what you can do
tell me what are you here for?
i want my old friends
i want my old face
i want my old mind
fuck this time and place
~ani difranco out of habit

you know, it doesn’t seem fair that i’m living for something i can’t even define. but there you are, in the meantime…

i want my old friends. i want my old face. i want my old mind. fuck this time and place.

i’d like to say that i have more in me than old song lyrics, but i can’t promise anything right now

yet another work story.

24 April 2009

A few months ago, I was really grumpy at work. My coworkers kept making ridiculously dumb mistakes that should have never been made, if they had just been paying attention. So, in I come and man! I just can’t shut up. I bitched the entire shift about their incompetency. Why can’t they do anything right?

At the same time, I’m thinking to myself, “dana, you know you make mistakes. Shut up, shut up shut up!” But I don’t heed my own advice. Of course not. By the end of the shift I’m exhausted from trying to make sense of their mistakes, but mostly from my own bitching.

Of course, that’s the night that the girl coming in after me calls and says she’s going to be late. At right around the time that we would be done handing things over I make a mistake. One that is not particularly harmful, but very evident. Of course.

I’m not one to believe god is directly talking to me. But this time, this time I am very sure that this was god’s way of reminding me of my own fallibility. A good swift kick in the butt.

Fast forward to this evening. I caught a major error. I was reminded of that previous incident and was naturally inclined (plus i tried hard as well) to be more forgiving of every person’s natural ability to make mistakes. Now, I guess I should just be thankful that I was able to catch it!

I’m also ridiculously thankful that I can learn. It is not always God rehashing the same damn mistake to me over and over again. (we’re still working on the thankfulness thing. please don’t take away anything else!)

learning to love life by
living through loss and mistakes,
lessons learned and gradually surfacing,
letting go,
striping naked to scream.
i am not perfect
nor do i strive to be.
i am alive in this world
of face first falls and public breakdowns.
i am retarded disfigured clown
dying to be heard for the simple art
of letting this heavy wall finally fall.
i am an equal being of no race or colour,
a hallucination if you will
sneaking into the lives of strangers
and letting them fall apart to a new rhythm
just to feel better.
~ Blue October, Retarded Disfigured Clown

victory is almost mine…

9 April 2009

So, I thought I would post something completely different and somewhat celebratory.

When I came home from the Yemen in December 2007 one of the first things I did was buy shampoo, conditioner and a bottle of liquid soap. Sounds pretty responsible, right? I knew I would be living alone in my Mom’s house and thought that I should have some of the essentials. I get home, pleased with my selection. I use some of it, when all of a sudden I realized just how much stuff my mom has left in the house, including bath things.

I then resolved not to buy any more shampoo, conditioner or body soap until all of it in the cupboard was used up. I figured that there was a lot of it in there; it would probably last oh, six months or so. I also figured I would be saving myself some money and shopping time by not buying anything new in that area until June-ish.

Then, all of a sudden it was June. And it looked like I hadn’t even put a dent in it. Sure, I had moved through some bars of soap and finished a few bottles of shampoo and conditioner, but I had seriously underestimated the amount of buildup that living in the same house for 20 years can bring.  “A few more months,” I said to myself and plugged along, using a bit more as my hair grew longer.

And then it was December 2008. A whole year had passed. I was still working on all of the stuff in the cabinet. I kept the bottles I had bought a year ago on the tub to use intermittently when I wanted to have a cohesive “smell” or whatever. The cabinet was beginning to clear a bit. But there was still SO MUCH!

And now it’s April, and I can finally see the light at the end of the Shampoo Tunnel. I’m down to an almost empty bottle of baby shampoo and some odds and ends of travel shampoos plus the original one I bought over a year ago. I think Shampoo shopping is probably less than a month away. Victory is almost mine!

Conditioner and soap is a completely different story. I wouldn’t be surprised if they kept going until June or longer. We will see. Only time will tell.

Things I have impulse bought recently

3 April 2009

*oranges
*ancho chiles
*butternut squash