Posts Tagged ‘intentions’

changing the way i think

30 August 2008

Okay, it’s only been a week since I started covering and even before then, I didn’t consider myself a very immodest person, but I never really thought much about clothes, whether they were my own or others’. Now, I am beginning to notice other people’s clothes. I still don’t give too much thought to my own, at least in terms of modesty. I’ve started wearing long sleves and pants, though I haven’t worn shorts in nonrunning situations for a couple of years.

I haven’t started covering my head at work, (though I did try a headbandish bandanay thing Monday, it didn’t work out too well. Not because of people but because of the work) I have begun to wear long sleeves under my scrub top. It is surprising that although I might be a bit warmer than I would be without sleeves, I am so much more comfortable with them! It’s not much, but a few people at work have asked how I can wear long sleeves. I’ve just blown it off so far, I still feel like I’m not ready to handle questions, as you see by my previous posts.

After wearing a scarf around (in some way) it feels weird not to be wearing one at work. And although I’ve been covering at school, I feel like I’m being dishonest with the hijab. I’m NOT muslim and I feel like I’m misrepresenting myself and God with it. At the same time, it’s the most stylish covering that I know of, plus I have the right kind of scarves on hand. I also feel a little pressure not to stir things up at school. I am the only person covering there, and I feel like I have a ‘reputation’ or something to uphold.

I’m also worried about my intentions with this whole head covering thing. I know my rational and all that, but the real reason I started in the first place was because I wanted to. I don’t believe having an uncovered head dishonors God, I don’t think the woman’s place is subservient in any way to her husband and I definitely don’t think that women should be quiet in the presence of men. I do think hijab is pretty and I think it’s kinda cool that no one at school knows what my hair looks like. Are my intentions purely to gain attention? Maybe. Maybe more than maybe. Maybe quite possibly. Maybe my new thoughts on wearing a nonhijab covering to school is more about getting attention than just trying to cover my head. I guess I’ll just stick with the status quo (well, status quo for me anyway) for now.

This is all bullshit. It isn’t even what I set out to write. But maybe it is a bit more honest than what I intended.

Lord have mercy!
Christ Have mercy!
Lord have mercy!